One month ago today my wife sprinted into the bedroom excitedly screaming what sounded like "wha-wha-wha-wha" at 5 am, but I soon discovered to be the announcement of our first pregnancy. After panic, peace, joy, fear, anxiety and an uncontrollable urge to tell someone came in waves I grabbed a hold of the fact.
Unprepared...
A very wise man pulled my wife and I aside, a few months prior, to tell us God had great plans for our family and our ministry and it would be when we least expected it. Christmas day; yep that'll do it. Needless to say my world flipped completely and for the first time in my marriage I felt utterly helpless.
One question...
Through all of this my mind came to the famous story The Lord of the Rings...we all know the phrase- "One ring to rule them all!!! muahahah!!!"(I added the laugh for theatrical effect). Although I could physically understand the concept of having a child, on a deeper level it seemed to escape me to the point of asking God one thing "Can I do this?".
It was never about me...
So often I've heard the message of God knowing us long before we're conceived and in this knowing He gives each of us a purpose in this life. In my crazed state of fear and doubt I completely overlooked the fact that He knows my child too, and much better than I do in fact. At this I realized it was never about me; my failures, my success, my blessings, my trials and every area in between my life had been a culmination of God's grace and this matter was no different.
Wise words from young hearts...
A good friend of mine pulled me aside during a church bowling night a few days ago and gave me a revelation he'd gotten while praying: If Mary hadn't known ahead of time that her child would be the savior to us all then her choices on leading Him would have been wrong; because of the nature of humans she would have most likely lead him down a path other than the one for Christ. Is it possible He knows the purpose for my child as well?
A death in the family...
My death came rather quickly, and very much unexpectedly. Through the four weeks leading up to our first doctor exam and ultrasound my mind had done more flips and flops than a trapeze swinger, but I refused to allow my wife to see me in this "weak" state(my words, not hers). 143 beats per second and the size of a gummy bear. There he was(yes I'm declaring a boy: Solomon Michael, to be exact) wiggling and wobbling with not a care in the world. For the first time in my life something was more important than my happiness. I had always tried to put my wife first, but sometimes I would lose the translation and begin caring more for me then her. I wanted to be a good husband by serving, loving and caring all I could, but in reality I rarely did it for her, but to please my own desire for belonging. I needed to convince myself I was a good husband. Now though I no longer needed to convince myself. I knew. Not because of a great man I was, nor because of any great deeds I'd done. No, the answer was much simpler. God saw me fit to care for one of His children; for a son or daughter to His kingdom. I'll never forget seeing the tiny heart beating with a passion that I know will one day change the world for Him, and I'm the one He saw fit to raise this tiny gummy bear life. No longer did I need to please myself, seek my own desires or search out my own pleasures. Each desire, each sleepless night of wondering where I belonged was staring me straight in the face.
It was an open casket...
My funeral was quick and mostly harmless. I fell in love in a way I'd never expected; learned a whole new level of grace and for the first time in my life I no longer needed to seek a purpose or sense of belonging. Instead I decided to look ahead to what really mattered. Am I the greatest father and husband? Pffft! Nope! I never will be, and that's the beauty because it's in my brokenness that I know Him, and when I know Him I learn so I can show him; that tiny gummy bear life now looking to me for guidance and love.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
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